This photo was taken 20 years ago. The girl in this photo was in the grip of bulimia. She had zero confidence…
In fact, I hated myself because I thought I was short, fat and unattractive.
So hideous in fact that I wouldn’t be seen dead in a swimming costume. (In hindsight I probably did my skin a favour with that one in terms of sun cancer).
I was obsessive about food. I counted calories, measured portions with the zeal of a North Korean prison guard.
I swallowed handfuls of laxatives. Threw up. Cried. Made myself sick again and again.
I ran myself into the ground to the point where my immune system could not fight off chest infections every few months.
I was covered in bruises because the constant purging led to a lack of nutrients like Vitamin C that promoted blood clotting and healing.
My self worth was based on the size of the gap between my thighs and whether or not a man “loved” me.
I look at this photo and shake my head now at how much trauma I lived in and how much of my life I wasted. I also sure as hell wasn’t fat at the time either.
My brain was lying to me. Or at least it was falling for the bullshit I had been feeding it since I was at least 10 years old when my parents put me on my first diet because a kid at school called me chubby.
They meant well but what they should have done was teach me not to care what anyone else thought about me.
I even developed a stupid habit putting myself down in front of others - probably to pre-empt them ever trying to do it to me. Although why I thought they would, I just don’t don’t get.
I turned to many doctors over the years for help. None really had a clue what to do about an eating disorder.
The best one could do was tell me to go for the walk when I was in the middle of a stomach churning anxiety attack that would lead me to purge. (After eating 100 calories too many!).
I had absolutely no confidence in anything I did. It was pure luck apparently that I was accepted to business school and was given a scholarship.
It was pure luck that I graduated. Even more luck when I got promoted at work, and then again, and again…what were these people thinking???
Surely it was just a matter of time before they figured out I was nothing more than a short fat human potato with no skills?!
I hated myself. It was like living with your worst enemy living inside your head, tormenting you every waking moment….
I spent years trying to figure it out for myself…
Turns out that what was wrong with me was poor programming and poor coping mechanisms.
To heal, I had to detox and learn to stand guard to the doors of my mind like my life depended on it.
And it did. Not just because I was destroying my body and my heart, but also because I had hot points where living with this enemy was becoming so unbearable that I didn’t want to live any more.
Gosh, I’ve never shared any of this before. Writing this post is harder than I thought…
My lack of confidence held me back and robbed me of 20 years of my life. I was given so many gifts, and I wasn’t grateful for any of them.
Instead, I focuses on the “negatives”, and it brought me nothing but pain.
My journey has meant years of study on psychology, healing and metaphysics… a great deal of which I have incorporated into my coaching.
It’s taught me that confidence and a deep seated peace and acceptance for who we are is the key to abundance and joy in our lives.
It’s taught me that what other people think of my is none of my business and has nothing to do with my value as a human being.
It’s taught me that that acceptance and the beautiful frequency and energy that comes with it is infectious and draws people to one like bees to honey.
It’s taught me that cornerstones of success are gratitude, actively practising positivity and focussing on the future you want to create for yourself. Our brains can’t tell the difference between “the truth” and what we tell them…
Imagine the YOU you want to be. Feel her in every cell of your body. See her…. And start showing up as her…. The universe will take care of the rest.
Lots of love
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